March 7, 2018
Forgiving - 1
Dear Friends,
Today I am beginning a series of seven reflectionson forgiving.
Recent conversations with several very different people have led me to this.
Let me start by saying that sometimes, maybe often, forgiving is not easy.
Let’s not fool ourselves; this can be difficult.
To forgive someone can also take time and be a bit complicated.
It’s not like an on/off switch –
like one day being unwilling to forgive, and the next day changing your mind.
Forgiving is more of a process, often spread out over a period of time.
So, don’t label yourself as bad when you first realize that you are unforgiving.
There are pieces or steps to this that we often have to go through or experience.
It is appropriate to feel guilty only if we decide not to even try to come to forgiveness.
For the other six reflections in this series, see the Inbox Inspirations for next Wednesday, March 14 and the following weeks.
“Forgiveness is a multilayered process rather than a single act, a process that may have to be repeated over and over, each time unraveling another layer and becoming more complete.”
From Conscious Living, Conscious Aging by Ron Pevny. (Founder and director of the Center for Conscious Eldering. Author and retreat director.)
Our Father, forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. Amen.
Father Michael Schleupner
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March 14, 2018
Forgiving - 2
Dear Friends,
From perhaps a minimalist perspective, it is helpful to recall this:
withholding forgiveness often hurts me more than the one who has offended me.
There is no question, I can feel angry, resentful, and vengeful.
These are real human feelings.
They are okay and can be completely justifiable.
But, just holding on to these indefinitely and not going beyond them locks me in.
I can get trapped into a vicious and unending circle of bitterness.
In fact, this can be a spiral and eventually get out of control.
I can become as offensive as the one who has offended me.
My freedom to move on in a positive way may be constrained.
My inner peace may be destroyed.
My life, maybe more than the life of the one who has offended me, may be damaged.
It may be very important to recall this when feeling the gentle tug of Jesus to forgive.
This is the second in a series of seven reflections on forgiving. See also the Inbox Inspirations of March 7 and the upcoming weeks.
“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner is you.”
From Forgive and Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don’t Deserve” by Lewis B. Smedes. (1921-2002. Christian author, ethicist, and theologian in the Reformed tradition. Professor of Theology at Fuller Theological Seminary in California.)
Our Father, forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. Amen.
Father Michael Schleupner
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March 21, 2018
Forgiving - 3
Dear Friends,
Forgiving someone who has offended us does not mean denying our feelings.
We are definitely not to repress our hurt.
On the contrary, part of healthy forgiving demands that we own our feelings.
We do this so that we can eventually work through the wound and pain.
Again, forgiving does not mean forgetting.
We are not to try to pretend that something never happened to us.
On the contrary, forgiving is not real unless we remember.
We have to do this so that we can move forward in a positive and appropriate way.
Again, forgiving is not losing.
We are not in a win/lose game here.
On the contrary, forgiving can be a win/win action.
The one forgiving and the one forgiven can both come out ahead.
Finally, forgiving is not being weak.
It is not cowering to the manipulation or bullying of another.
On the contrary, forgiving is an expression of real strength.
It is a statement that I am not letting the hurtfulness of another control my life.
This is the third in a series of seven reflections on forgiving. See also the Inbox Inspirations of March 7 and 14 and the upcoming weeks.
“Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future.”
From Forgive and Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don’t Deserve” by Lewis B. Smedes. (1921-2002. Christian author, ethicist, and theologian in the Reformed tradition. Professor of Theology at Fuller Theological Seminary in California.)
Our Father, forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. Amen.
Father Michael Schleupner
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March 28, 2018
Forgiving - 4
Dear Friends,
If I am to be forgiving, I have to look both at myself and at the other person.
In some situations, both sides may have contributed to the offensive incident.
So first, I have to ask: did I play a part in what has happened?
This may not be an easy question to ask.
However, maybe something I said could be heard in a way that I did not intend.
Maybe my body language conveyed something that led to the problem.
I need to be open to looking closely at myself and reviewing things carefully.
And second, I need to place myself in the skin of the person who has offended me.
This again may not be easy to do when I feel aggrieved.
It doesn’t excuse what the other did but it may lead me to some empathy.
So, what might he have been experiencing at the time of the incident?
Might there be hurts in her life story that contributed to her behavior?
Looking at myself and at the other – these are part of the process.
These efforts require personal strength.
However, they are necessary if I am to going to try to forgive.
This is the fourth in a series of seven reflections on forgiving. See also the Inbox Inspirations of March 7,14 and 21 and the upcoming weeks.
“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”
From All Men Are Brothers: Autobiographical Reflections by Mahatma Gandhi. (1869-1948. Indian. Hindu. Leader of Indian independence movement. Advocate of civil rights and non-violent disobedience.)
Our Father, forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. Amen.
Father Michael Schleupner
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April 4, 2018
Forgiving - 5
Dear Friends,
I think it is helpful to see stages or steps in forgiving.
Maybe the first step is to refrain from actually striking back at another.
This means refraining from physical, verbal and emotional retaliation.
The next step is not to wish harm for the one who has offended us.
We get a grip on ourselves and do not want bad things to happen to the other.
As we work at this, we may need to share our upset with someone close to us.
But, in doing so, our motive will not be to injure or destroy the offending person.
The next step is to try to deal with our feelings.
Talking them through with a person close to us may be enough.
But sometimes, we may need a disinterested third party.
This might be a skilled counselor or a priest or someone like that.
We may need some assistance in coming to terms with vengeful or bitter feelings.
Often only after we have gone through the above steps are we ready to try to forgive.
And, by the way, this may or may not mean reconciling.
We will look at that next time.
This is the fifth in a series of seven reflections on forgiving. See also the Inbox Inspirations of March 7,14, 21 and 28 and the upcoming weeks.
“Forgiving is an act of courage and will. It is an act performed internally but one that can be reinforced by external action.”
From Conscious Living, Conscious Aging by Ron Pevny. (Founder and director of the Center for Conscious Eldering. Author and retreat director.)
Our Father, forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. Amen.
Father Michael Schleupner
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April 11, 2018
Forgiving - 6
Dear Friends,
Forgiveness does not automatically mean reconciling or renewing a relationship.
It would be wonderful if it did, but that is not real life.
I hope that the ideas I have shared so far in this seriesgive a chance at reconciling.
Sometimes, both parties will need to be humble enough to seek the wise counsel of a third party, probably a professional.
But, sometimes, even with this, reconciliation does not happen.
In relationships that involve domestic or sexual abuse,
or in problems that have festered and grown acute over a long time –
in these and similar situations, reconciliation may be imprudent or impossible.
When this is the case, the effort should be to come to a mature, amicable, and peaceful solution.
Both parties must do their part to redefine the relationship in a constructive way that does not include reconciling or renewing.
In some instances, this is very difficult.
There can be complete disagreement and sad disappointment.
In this, keep in mind that you are responsible for your own behavior only.
You need to maintain the respectful and charitable way of the gospel.
Pray and ask God’s grace in helping you and the other party to be able to do this.
This is the sixth in a series of seven reflections on forgiving. See also the Inbox Inspirations of March 7,14, 21 and 28, April 4 and next week.
“Forgiveness does not mean that we will resume a relationship with the other person, although such reconciliation may be possible and right.”
From Conscious Living, Conscious Aging by Ron Pevny. (Founder and director of the Center for Conscious Eldering. Author and retreat director.)
Our Father, forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. Amen.
Father Michael Schleupner
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April 18, 2018
Forgiving - 7
Dear Friends,
It is important for us to take the big, long-range view of things.
This is especially true when we have been hurt and are not inclined to forgive.
Maybe the question is: Where will we want to be with this when we are in our senior years?
Where will we want to be with this when we are approaching our death?
Will we want to feel bitterness and hatred for another?
Will we want something in the past, no matter how painful, to still be controlling us?
Will we be holding on and withholding forgiveness?
Would it help to recall that we too are imperfect?
Might we recall that we too have needed forgiveness at sometime, from someone?
This is why I have written the previous six reflections on forgiving.
And remember, very importantly, I said in the last reflection that forgiving does not necessarily mean reconciling or renewing a relationship.
That would be great but sometimes it is not prudent or possible.
Having said that, I end with this:
take the big, long-range view, especially when we are not inclined to be forgiving.
This is the last in a series of seven reflections on forgiving. See also the Inbox Inspirations of March 7,14, 21 and 28, and April 4 and 11.
“Old age tells us that we ourselves have failed often, have never really done anything completely right, have never truly been perfect – and that that is completely all right. We are who we are – and so is everyone else. And it is our forgiveness of others that gains for us the right to forgive ourselves for being less than we always wanted to be.”
From The Gift of Years by Sister Joan Chittister, O.S.B (b.1936. American. Benedictine Sister and member of monastery in Erie, Pennsylvania. Author and speaker.)
Our Father, forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. Amen.
Father Michael Schleupner
