Sunday Inbox Inspirations
24th Sunday in Ordinary Time
Cycle A
September 17, 2023
Forgive
This morning, it would be difficult to talk about any topic other than forgiveness.
This is front and center in both the first reading and the gospel. The first thing I want to say is that forgiveness can be very difficult.
I must admit that I find it hard at times. For me, I have to work at forgiving when someone treats me unfairly or unjustly.
Maybe that’s not an issue for you, but it is for me. I think that forgiving can be a challenge at one time or another for many of us.
This morning, I am not going to give a pious exhortation about forgiving. Instead, I want to look at this in a grittier, more practical way.
First, I want to look at some things that forgiveness is not. And then, I will offer three steps that I think are involved in the process of forgiving.
Forgiving Is Not…
First, forgiving does not mean that we deny our feelings or pretend that we weren’t offended.
In fact, part of healthy forgiving demands that we own or admit our feelings. We do this so that we can eventually work through the hurt.
Then, contrary to the popular saying, forgiving does not mean forgetting.
It’s almost impossible to forget what has happened, even if we want to. We cannot expect ourselves or others to do this.
Next, forgiving is not weakness.
In fact, forgiving requires great inner strength. It is a sign of a strong person who can bring themselves to forgive another who has offended them.
And finally, this may sound surprising, but forgiving may not mean reconciling.
Reconciling may be unwise in some situations, like domestic violence or sexual abuse. We may forgive but not restore the relationship to what it was before.
Forgiving Is
Okay, they are some things that forgiveness is not; now I want to look at three steps or actions that are involved in forgiving.
1. Review
First, we need to review what happened.
Review in your mind what the other person did. And as you do this, get in touch with your feelings.
How did you feel as it happened and right after it happened? And how do you feel about him or her right now?
And, as part of this review, sometimes we also need to look at ourselves. To paraphrase an old saying, “It often takes two to tango.”
So, is there some way, maybe something minor or subtle, but still some way that I contributed to the problem? Could it have been how I said something or when I did something?
2. Humanize
So, 1) review what happened, and then, 2) humanize the offender.
Try to separate the hurtful word or action from the person who did it. And then, try to walk in that person’s shoes for a bit.
What might she have been experiencing within herself? What kind of day or week might she have had?
Or what kind of home life did he have when he was a child? What woundedness might he be carrying around inside?
This can be a very challenging part of the process that we may not want to do. But still, step back from the hurt for a moment and look at the offender as another human being.
3. Choose
And then the third step is to choose to forgive.
We may feel resentful, angry, or vengeful. But even with that, we can still choose to let go of it – and yes, forgiving is a choice.
Not to let go hurts us as much or even more than the other person. The Buddhists have a saying about this.
They say that holding on to resentment is like picking up a hot coal in our hand with the intention of throwing it at the person who offended us. Just imagine that: the hot coal makes it clear that holding on especially to vengeful feelings is as harmful for us as it is for the other person.
Choosing to let go is important. And then, eventually, if, if this is possible, try to talk with the other person because that makes forgiveness very real.
Conclusion
So, hurts can happen with anyone – a parent, a spouse, a son or daughter, a sibling, a friend, a neighbor, an employer, a priest, anyone.
I hope that these three steps or actions – 1) Review, 2) Humanize, and 3) Choose – I hope that they will help us respond to Jesus’ call to be forgiving.
Fr. Michael Schleupner
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